Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I did not eat the cake…
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I don’t make the rules sorry