*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The only equipped I am is ill.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
when there are deer in the woods
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]