My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.