Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
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*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
tinder is all about the long game
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?