“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.