My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.