If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.