Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.