You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
🙂🐾
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?