An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
This is my bus stop.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous