*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
You Might Also Like
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin