“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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WWE is French for “yes”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
23. the denim jacket
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably