If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
You Might Also Like
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.