I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I need better friends
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?