*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I was just discussing this with my cat
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.