What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
You Might Also Like
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
CRYING
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.