Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
That lamp looks PISSED.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
This could be us… but you playing
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.