Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
You Might Also Like
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
need him
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I created you as mosquito food.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see