judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????