Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
That time Alicia messaged me
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER