No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.