[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
love it when they get my name right
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr