Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me as a therapist: omg same
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf