A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
That eye roll….
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.