If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
You Might Also Like
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man