I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Get in loser we’re going crying
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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