My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
🤣🤣
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!