When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late