A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.