Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
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dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I am also baked goods
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Cats (2019)
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that