Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
doing your own taxes
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Good dog. ❤️
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”