If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Oh boy, $150,000!
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
This is my cat’s medicine.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off