[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
It’s the weekend y’all
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?