If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
What a website
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.