“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“That’s what” – She
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Oh my God.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.