mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months