What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed