My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages