*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You Might Also Like
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture