Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.