Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks