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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared