Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”