Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.