I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!