met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My favorite female superhero
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!