*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her