I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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