willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
sir, my pâté if you please
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?