*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.